this year i:
- graduated after three years
- went to johannesburg
- was in a magazine, a couple hehe
- got serious about lettering, started drawing
- shipped stuff
- realized my one shining example of everything that is good and all that I want to personally become exists and has always existed in my life
- grew a lot personally and i felt my heart open up to new friendship and love
- was really happy and really sad and tried to stick it out through the latter
- had a billion side projects that I’m super proud of
21 was a success because i simply felt so incredibly much more this year. halfway through the year I realized that I had began this horrible habit for a long time where i would halt at the first seedling of sadness and literally try to ignore that piece of me until I was numb or just not feeling anything. so i stopped doing that and I can say that I cried, a lot, this year. At work, after work, at home, on the street, on the sidewalk walking home. I remember one night in August I was really sad because I just felt so stupid and alone and I was crying so hard that I just had to sit on the bench outside of this restaurant at Market and 17th. It was midnight and strangers came up to me and asked if everything was okay. I must have looked so sad. but hey, I TRIED! I was 21! I grew! I felt everything!
Because I also felt great. I felt excited about what I was creating and learning, even though it was hard at first (will never give up, believe me). I hadn’t felt comfortable with another person in so long before this year. And I’m a little lost now, but it’s this okay kind of balance I’ve struck with myself because I know that I will be good and great and this is just part of it. I just have to sit through this little bout of struggle for now. My heart feels a little shattered and I am still pretty hurt, to be honest. Beyond that, though, I just feel unsettled and this feeling has always been there. I want to sort this out personally and individually. We must not seek out ourselves solely in others. I know that once I can feel this part of myself again, I’ll be whole again past the heart shatteringosity. Love is always worth it, i guess, even if it makes you feel like this.
things that I think are interesting into the 22nd year:
- DRIVE. basically there is no path for me. at all. there is none whatsoever and even if there was one, i would definitively not be on it anyway given any of the pieces of my background. I basically know what i want, what I want the dream to be; I have no idea in any way how I will get there but I do know that by god’s grace I will be trying until the day that I die because I will never let “it was too hard” deter me from anything that I want with my heart like this
- class identity / the noveau riche (there are so many layers to this onion and a surplus of source material)
- meaning and existential happiness. i am happiest when i am creating. my life dreams all revolve around creating. i don’t understand what a life without creating is. what do you do if you’re a business person (not an entrepreneur, who creates)? or a cog who is resigned to being a cog? is your life just inherently devoid of this sort of meaning? or where do you derive it from? i want to understand this.
- colors, i feel colors all the time. i felt so grey and fog blue a couple weeks ago. it actually came through in some of the work that I was doing at the time, some of which is due out soon… now I feel pale pink and orange and fuchsia, like the colors of a california sunrise. and you will see that in some of the work that I will show next week too… what are colors to me? how can I feel colors?
- wow all of this is so selfish
- all i want is to spread and share love and i want so many things for the world. i would give anything to the world. i guess i just really believe in the universe. the universe has always believed in me. the only lesson you could take looking back on these last 22 years is just that whenever I’ve done anything passionately the universe has always responded in some meaningful and encouraging way. perhaps charmed, but i cannot help but believe in the good. i cannot help believe in what I must as the universe whispers to me, keep going, keep going. i have so many dreams that feel closer than they were a year ago. real dreams, man. i will get there. i feel the gold in my fingers, in my friends, in my father’s loving eyes and my mother’s worried smile. i feel the gold everywhere, and so, universe, it just comes down to this, i just, i just i believe in you so deeply it hurts.